Today's presentation is "Torture"
That’s it! Enough is enough. Something has to be done about people who give boring presentations. I have just endured a day of presentations at an Offshore conference. Some of the techniques used today would be banned from Guantanamo. I was seriously struggling to keep my eyes open and if they had promised me they would stop the presentation, then I would have confessed and signed the paperwork to any number of crimes and/or terrorist activities.
The worst is when some monotonous monotone voice starts up and reads aloud what is written on the big screen verbatim. After a few slides you hear a desperate voice in your head shouting “I can read! I don’t need you to read, word for word, what is written on the bloody screen! In fact, I finished reading the whole friggin slide ten minutes ago and YOU are still on line three! I hate you! I hate you, you robotic mutant! Please, please, please, someone shoot me or start the waterboarding treatment now, I beg you!”
Then you start getting nasty thoughts about the presenter being hit by lighting or a suicide bomber running on to the stage and shouting “Allah Uakhbar” before detonating to rapturous applause. To keep me somewhat sane I began thinking of ways to keep the presentations amusing. No, stop it now, I was not thinking of anything to do with nudity!
Instead, I thought everyone should be issued with a Taser gun. The one where a red laser dot appears on the target before you fully squeeze the trigger. Judging by the number of red dots on the presenter you could see how many people were bored with the presentation and how spectacular the pain and seizure would be when we all pulled the triggers. As the presenter looks out and sees the Tasers being raised into the aim position and the little red lights begin to appear……then he or she would have to improve the entertainment value sharpish before we, the dulled, livened things up ourselves.
As therapy for today's cruelty, I am off to watch a pole dancing presentation in a poorly lit venue. Unless my wife is reading this, then I went sightseeing around old historical churches.
