The dark side of Jet Lag.

For those of you who have travelled long distances and stayed for more than a few days at the end of your journey, you will understand.

I travel a lot and I mean a lot. According to my job contract I am expected to be out of the office more than one hundred days per year. Don’t start feeling sorry for me because I travel in comfort and I like to travel.

Yes, I spend a lot of time in aeroplanes and airports but that is all part of travelling and I have learned to not only cope with all the stresses, I have learned to thrive in it all. You only have to read the other WinnieLeaks stories to know a lot of funny things happen when I travel.

Anyway, the one element to travelling that is hard to master is «Jet Lag».

For those who don’t know what Jet Lag is, let me explain. It is the feeling of being wide awake when the local time says you should be sound asleep. It is when your body is falling asleep when the local time zone is telling you to be awake and working. We all know what it is like to try and stay awake when we are extremely tired. We enter into a phase I call «nodding dog mode». You think you are wide awake but your eyes keep closing for really long blinks of two or three minutes and your head falls forwards, backwards or lolls to the side. Basically, your neck muscles switch off and can’t keep your head in the vertical position.

Apparently, falling asleep when you should be awake doing a presentation is considered rude in most countries. We shall just have to put that down to «cultural differences».

However, sleep is not the worst part of Jet Lag for me. It is the eating when I should be sleeping and sleeping when I should be eating that is the worst. This plays havoc with one’s intestines.

We have all woken up, at some point during the night, and had to go to the bathroom. It is always to relieve our bladders because we drank something too late in the evening. However, it is a whole new ball game when you have to………. (insert the phrase below which best describes your preference).

• Go number twos.
• Vacate one’s bowels.
• Pooh/Poop
• Pinch one off.
• Drop the kids off at the pool.
• Bait the trap.
• Bomb the bowl.
• Balance the budget.
• Catch up on some reading.
• Contribute to nature.
• Download.
• Drop anchor.
• Evacuate the building.
• Exorcise The Demon
• Fight with Turdzilla.
• Lose some weight.
• Hang a rat.
• Grow a tail.
• Jettison the alien.
• Heave a Havana.
• Lay a brick.
• Play peek-a-boo with the loo.
• Poke out the turtle’s head.
• Punish the toilet.
• Release the hostage.
• See a man about a dog.
• Sink a submarine.
• Claim one’s right to the throne.

...and for Rhyming Slang enthusiasts:

• A Richard the Third
• A Thora Hird
• A Tom Tit
• A Pony and Trap
• A Brad Pitt

Oh yes, disturbing your sleep to pee is nothing compared to bowel wrestling with Satan.

So, sleepy eyed, you wonder off the the throne room thinking you will be back in bed fast asleep in a matter of seconds when……….uh oh………..Oh noooooo! You have to sit down. Unfortunately, you are probably a bit dehydrated from the flying or just being in a warmer climate, which affects things greatly.

From being very drowsy only moments before, you are now biting down hard on a twisted hand towel and swearing to the deity of your choice that you don’t deserve to be treated like this. As your eyes bulge and the vein in the middle of your forehead becomes ever more prominent, you push even harder. Then comes the heavy breathing followed by holding your breath as you force all your tummy muscles downwards. At the same time there is sporadic clenching of your Gluteus Maximus and, in desperate moments, vigorous bouncing up and down on the toilet seat. You would do anything right now, including selling your soul to the Devil if you thought it might help. Then you notice it, just before you are about to pass out......there is movement. It always starts moving slowly but ends up exiting rapidly like a stabbed rat, which is always followed by a deep sounding bellow as you can finally breath out. Even when you think you are finished you know you have to wait a minute or two in case «reinforcements» have been sent to the battle.

The final act is the wiping, which never seems to end, and you are convinced the only way to speed up the process is to perform a handstand in the shower.

With your night vision completely gone you stumble back into the bedroom hoping not to stand on anything or stub your toe. Your partner mumbles to you from the darkness, "Were you having a bad dream? I heard shouting and then crying."

"No" you reply, "I had to visit the loo."

"That’s okay, you’ll be asleep again in a minute" she says very sleepily.

"I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again after trotting out those baby seals".

"Are you OK?" she enquires.

"Aye, I will be when the stitches come out."

"Try to get some sleep anyway," she suggests.

"What? Sleep? I’m hungry now."

And that my friends is the unspoken dark side of jet lag.