Oh FFS!

I had to take a trip to Dubai on business and usually I can plan them well in advance. Planning in advance is not just cheaper but I also get to choose the route. As seats fill up on airlines, well, the less choices you get.

This time I had no choice, time was limited, which meant I had to travel via an airport I dread, loath, despise, fear (you are getting the picture right?)…..This airport from Hell is: Paris Charles de Gaulle. Or as like to call it, The Circus. Weird and unbelievable things have happened to me at this airport, none of it good.

Anyway, I landed in Paris and made my way to the Business Class lounge, as I had two hours to wait for my onward flight to Dubai. I like to board the aeroplane early so I left the lounge with plenty of time to spare and hoped I would be at the front of or near the front of the queue. As I left the lounge I heard footsteps not far behind me. Little did I know then but I was being followed by me. That’s right, ME.

The footsteps followed me all the way to my departure gate. As we approached the gate there was already a very long queue for Business Class boarding. As I saw the queue I thought to myself, “Oh for fuck’s sake!” Exactly as I was thinking these very words I heard the man behind me say them. I smiled at the coincidence.

As we joined the back of the queue an announcement was made, “The flight to Dubai will be delayed by twenty minutes.” The words that came into my mind at this point were exactly the same, “Oh for fuck’s sake!” Again, just as I was thinking it, the man behind me said them out loud. I laughed to myself. I had finally met myself. Someone who actually thought exactly the same way I did when travelling.

As it turned out there was no delay and our queue moved quickly forward. As I approached the Air France lady at the gate, she asked for my Boarding Card. I gave her my Boarding Card but when she swiped it under the barcode reader it didn’t make the usual “bleep” sound. Instead, it made a buzzer noise. From behind me all I could hear was, “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

The lady then punched in my details onto the computer beside her and within a minute or so she looked up at me and said. “Monsieur, you have been upgraded to First Class.” Then came that voice behind me. “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

As I walked away from the lady I heard the next boarding card go “bleep” under the barcode reader. It was then a man in an Air France suit ran towards me and said, “Monsieur, since you are travelling First Class, I would like to carry your bags and escort you on board.” Before I could respond I heard that voice behind me again. “Oh for fuck’s sake!”

It was now, as I made myself comfortable in my First Class seat, that I saw the man who had thoughts exactly like mine. To my disappointment he wasn’t a chubby balding middle aged man. In fact he looked nothing like me. No where near as handsome……of course!

So, as the engines came to life and I could feel the aeroplane being pushed back away from the gate there came a noise. Not just a noise but....that noise! Every traveller’s worst nightmare, the high pitched single note of a baby screaming. This baby was belting out a piercing note, like a fat opera singer who has just sat on broken glass. I looked over my shoulder to see where the noise was coming from. There in the middle seat of three Business Class seats was a tearful baby with huge lungs, a wide open mouth and a red face. Relieved I was not sitting in Business Class, I smiled. However, right there, sitting beside the screaming infant was the other me. I couldn’t hear his voice this time but, as he rolled his eyes upwards, it was easy to read his lips mouthing the words “Oh for fuck’s sake!”