Less haste, more Speedo's!

No one likes the sudden on rush of a tummy bug, especially when you are in the swimming pool of a luxury hotel in Dubai. Suddenly, my intestines have jumped from Defcon Five (peacefulness and harmony) to Defcon Four status without warning, this colonic missile is preparing for launch. Countdown has begun!

Alarmed and mildly panicked, I climb quickly out of the pool and, with my legs only moving from the knees down, I am skipping towards the gents, which is conveniently located a long long long way away. There is now a fire in my belly as I near the toilets, Defcon Three has been reached. Desperate and still wet from swimming in the pool, I burst into the toilets, my arms are flailing around as I slip and slide on the marble floors. Defcon Two enabled, all systems are ready and the air raid sirens in my head are deafening! 

It is only now that my real problem starts. As my bowels gurgle and ache, I discover that the cord used to secure my Speedo swimming trunks has, somehow, tied itself into a double granny knot with seven half hitches and a sheep-shank with bowline twist. I'm breathing heavily through tightly gritted teeth as tears well up in my reddening eyes. My face is turning an alarming red as I strain every muscle in my body. In all haste, my shaking hands pull and twist at the bird’s nest of string……then.........my colon declares  “Defcon One, we have GO for launch!”. It was not a pretty sight and my screams of, "No, no, no, ....oh no.........oh for the love of NOOOOOOO! Were only matched by the shouting of the toilet attendant (a fifteen-year veteran of the Calcutta sewers), as he ran out of the toilets crying, “never in all my years…”