What is the worst thing you can forget to take on holiday?
It might not seem to be a problem but becoming good, and I mean very good, at travelling isn’t always a good thing.
Not just knowing exactly what to pack for each journey but also knowing exactly how to pack are lessons you learn very quickly when your job involves a lot of flying. Only travel with hand baggage! Placing your computers, batteries, liquids, etc, conveniently so you can whiz through security. Only using belts and shoes that are metal detector friendly. These are just the basics.
Then there is mastering the art of “Queue Awareness”. As you approach passport control, security and even boarding the flight itself, you become very adept at looking for “Blockers”. Blockers are various types of people who will slow your queue down , leaving you with the feeling that your very life itself is being sucked out of you. They don’t mean to do it but the result is still the same, death by queueing.
The usual Blockers are parents with pushchairs, texting teenage girls, heavy metal fans, people with excessively plastic wrapped boxes and anyone distinctly religious looking.
As I enter an airport, I become a machine. My autopilot kicks in, my senses go in to overdrive. I sail through check in, security, Passport Control and, ultimately, boarding. The joy and relief I feel when I have my bags stored in the overhead lockers, I’ve changed into my pyjamas and the cabin crew have offered me a drink. Time to relax! It is at this moment that I wonder who will be sitting next to me.
So, how can this be bad?
I was taking a flight from Amsterdam to Dubai, with KLM. Upon entering the airport, I became the Travel Terminator, rushing through the airport, trampling over stray children, handing off Tax Free shoppers like a seasoned rugby player and bludgeoning my way through the huddled masses of Chinese tourists like a bowling ball. Carnage in my wake but I’m not stopping!
Passport control? A breeze.
Security? No drama
Boarding? First in the queue.
Bags stowed, pyjamas on, Champaign in hand........................ when suddenly a flash of fear hits me. A terrible and frightening cold chill fills my body. As I look at the empty seat beside me, it dawns on me that I am travelling with someone. Not just anyone………………my wife. She is nowhere to be seen. Like a salmon fighting his way up a river, I barge my way off the plane and through the crowd of people trying to board. I eventually find my wife just finishing with security. A look on her face like thunder. A stare on her so angry that it burned a hole deep deep deep down in my soul. Not even my sycophantic grovelling could alleviate her seething temper.
So, if you don’t want the worse start to a holiday EVER, then don’t forget to take your spouse with you.
Again, for the hundredth time, Love of my life, my dearest darling love bundle of joy and happiness………..I AM SORRY!
